I hope I have made the case that the Jews of our generation are, to greater and lesser extents, spiritual orphans, cut off from the traditional teachings that the Jewish world developed to help us navigate this journey through life in the best possible way.
Thanks so much for these posts. I am reading and rereading them because there is so much packed into them. I'm also finding the suggestions helpful for determining where I am in my measures. A driver behind me the other day was waving at me, flashing lights, and I had no clue why. As far as I knew, I didn't do anything to them, and at first thought there was a problem with my car. But as the driver flipped me the finger and drove away, my initial response was, "Whatever I did that upset you, I ask forgiveness." Even last year, my initial response would have been to return hate with snark. I also struggle with measures for generosity, as I have 3 family members who are struggling, and my husband and I are on a fixed income. When they ask for money, my initial reaction used to be anger and resentment, and then guilt. I'm still working on this one, especially since one of them asked for a relatively large sum last night. Still trying to find the balance on this one, so thanks for your helpful message.
I’m encouraged by your response, Alanna. When I speak in front of an audience, I get instant feedback by looking in people’s eyes to see if they are engaged or bored and disconnected. I get much less feedback in a Zoom session. And even less when writing this blog. So I’m heartened by reading how you are putting the teachings to work for you. That’s the whole point — not just to paint a good picture but to find principles that can be activated in your life. I’ll have a lot more to say in that direction as this blog develops.
Having practiced Mussar for several years, I've learned that my strongest trait is order/seder, which means it's often also my biggest problem. It can be difficult to see how much order is necessary in a given case, or how to calibrate it appropriately, or what deserves priority--what deserves more focus or attention than what else. It seems order is the middah of measurement, and managing it involves the order of order. This involves awareness/zehirut, which is a middah difficult to simply invoke, instead requiring scaffolding. So I try to use other middot to achieve awareness of how to use order, middot such as patience, trust, or compassion, which feel more fluid or unmeasured.
What’s embedded in what you say, Scott, that I emphatically endorse, is that when a middah is operating at too high a setting within you, you need to use other middot to work on it. A person who has a tendency to blow up in anger will not lessen that train just by resolving, “From now on, I’m not going to get so angry.” A person who is chaotic (the opposite of order) will not get organized because they suddenly decide to get orderly. And in your case, when you see that an excess of orderliness is an issue, there is no solution in committing to being less orderly! You need to find other middot that can work as levers on the problematic one, just as you are saying! That’s a sophisticated insight the Mussar teachers passed down to us.
I'm finding these endlessly fascinating, and this one really hit home. As I've been delving into more spiritual work this year, I find I'm becoming more aware of my "measures" in a way that I can actually name them when they come up. I notice now when I'm being unkind, when old cynicism comes up, when despair takes over; I notice them now early enough to check them, to decide if that's what I really want to be feeling and acting in a situation, and going from there. A little harder to recognize from years of feeling safer in negativity, but I'm also starting to notice when I'm feeling hopeful or loving, and working to recognize where that comes from and how to bring those into other moments.
Thank you for sharing this work. I always look forward to your posts.
Thank you, Fleet Sparrow. (That sounds like the opening line of a poem!). What I have learned from my own experience and seen in others is that taking on the perspective of seeing your life as embodying a curriculum of middot is that there is at first an awakening: you have a clear understanding that what you just did or said was related to that curriculum. Later in the process, you have that awareness not looking back but in the very moment you are saying the words or doing the deed. Later still, you can see it coming while your thoughts are still in formation, and you guide your tongue or hand away from what you used to do, and regret.
As someone who has been a student of Mussar for about 10 years, I appreciate the framing of the majority of Jews as "Spiritual Orphans" and wonder what Jewish culture would look like if schools of Jewish learning took the directive "your primary marching orders as a human being are to be holy" as a primary objective, rather than the more common "The study of Torah is equal to the sum total of all other mitzvahs". For me, the quote from your teacher Rabbi Perr "Mussar helps give us more time by opening the space between the match and fuse” is my principal struggle. I find that at times, I have too little patience and indeed am sometimes too quick to anger, which I know impacts my relationships. I believe I am like the student of Rav Preida who was so slow that he could not grasp a lesson unless his teacher taught it to him 400 times.
Oh, I think you may be a bit quicker than Rav Preida’s student! What you are describing is the situation the Mussar teachers recognized as calling for a technique. You are not likely to succeed by just vowing or resolving to be more patient, less quick to let the match hit the fuse. And, not surprisingly, there are many techniques to delay responding. In one of my books I tell of a rabbi who had an “angry jacket.” He disciplined himself not to respond in anger until he had put on the special coat he had for that purpose. Of course, by the time he found and got the coat on, the most dangerous and explosive moment will have passed. Another demanded of himself that he have a glass of water before responding, to the same effect. This is an area where practical tools are needed.
Thank you for the vocabulary of a "technique". I still see the challenge as being how to change the behavior to call for the technique vs the habitual reaction.
I first heard this idea of life handing you your curriculum from Ram Dass, and it’s an idea that has stuck with me and helped me re-frame many an unwanted moment. One area I actively call upon it is with my spouse: When we encounter friction, instead of throwing up my hands and saying, “Shoujd we even be together?” I take comfort in the belief that we are in fact each other’s perfect partners, “perfect” not meaning without fault, but perfectly aligned to find each other’s blind and sore spots and help polish each other as we learn and grow together. The same helps with problems with family, or medical issues, or my angst over shifts in my country. I try to think, Ok, so this is my curriculum. It’s not what I would have chosen, but here we are, so how do I engage with this with integrity and heart? How do I get the most out of this difficult curriculum?
Right! And you know, I may have heard Ram Dass say something about a personal curriculum, too. I can’t clearly recall. What the Mussar teachers add to your clear and accurate comment is the specific focus on middot. It’s not just “how do I navigate this situation,” but rather, which particular inner traits of mine are showing up here to announce that I have room to grow in that area? Imagine two people in the same situation; for one it is a challenge because a particular middah that is called for in the situation is weak, while for the other, it’s just business as usual. Breaking the challenge down in terms of middot can make it clearer what specifically is showing up from your curriculum.
This is a fascinating thread. I am learning so much from each of your very articulate posts. Thank you for starting this thread Alan- it's is compelling to me.
I am a person with too much enthusiasm. Often, I say yes before I have really thought about what Is involved, ( ie- do I have to time to do it a timely manner,what other things have I sacrificed, have I pushed down my responsibilities to my family and most importantly to myself, to rush to do this. This has been on my curriculum for a while.
But now, after much effort, I am asking myself why I am rushing to do this thing?
Yes, you will still trip up because tripping is part of life. I got called to the Torah for an aliyah last week — what would that be, my thousandth time? — and recited the blessing before the reading and completely forgot to do the after-blessing until the others at the Torah reminded me. Trip. There are things like that, which may be of no significance. And other trips that point to patterns, like you describe about jumping in too quickly. The wonderful thing, though, is that if you work on your curriculum, you will find yourself tripping over new things, not the same old.
Thanks so much for these posts. I am reading and rereading them because there is so much packed into them. I'm also finding the suggestions helpful for determining where I am in my measures. A driver behind me the other day was waving at me, flashing lights, and I had no clue why. As far as I knew, I didn't do anything to them, and at first thought there was a problem with my car. But as the driver flipped me the finger and drove away, my initial response was, "Whatever I did that upset you, I ask forgiveness." Even last year, my initial response would have been to return hate with snark. I also struggle with measures for generosity, as I have 3 family members who are struggling, and my husband and I are on a fixed income. When they ask for money, my initial reaction used to be anger and resentment, and then guilt. I'm still working on this one, especially since one of them asked for a relatively large sum last night. Still trying to find the balance on this one, so thanks for your helpful message.
I’m encouraged by your response, Alanna. When I speak in front of an audience, I get instant feedback by looking in people’s eyes to see if they are engaged or bored and disconnected. I get much less feedback in a Zoom session. And even less when writing this blog. So I’m heartened by reading how you are putting the teachings to work for you. That’s the whole point — not just to paint a good picture but to find principles that can be activated in your life. I’ll have a lot more to say in that direction as this blog develops.
Having practiced Mussar for several years, I've learned that my strongest trait is order/seder, which means it's often also my biggest problem. It can be difficult to see how much order is necessary in a given case, or how to calibrate it appropriately, or what deserves priority--what deserves more focus or attention than what else. It seems order is the middah of measurement, and managing it involves the order of order. This involves awareness/zehirut, which is a middah difficult to simply invoke, instead requiring scaffolding. So I try to use other middot to achieve awareness of how to use order, middot such as patience, trust, or compassion, which feel more fluid or unmeasured.
What’s embedded in what you say, Scott, that I emphatically endorse, is that when a middah is operating at too high a setting within you, you need to use other middot to work on it. A person who has a tendency to blow up in anger will not lessen that train just by resolving, “From now on, I’m not going to get so angry.” A person who is chaotic (the opposite of order) will not get organized because they suddenly decide to get orderly. And in your case, when you see that an excess of orderliness is an issue, there is no solution in committing to being less orderly! You need to find other middot that can work as levers on the problematic one, just as you are saying! That’s a sophisticated insight the Mussar teachers passed down to us.
I'm finding these endlessly fascinating, and this one really hit home. As I've been delving into more spiritual work this year, I find I'm becoming more aware of my "measures" in a way that I can actually name them when they come up. I notice now when I'm being unkind, when old cynicism comes up, when despair takes over; I notice them now early enough to check them, to decide if that's what I really want to be feeling and acting in a situation, and going from there. A little harder to recognize from years of feeling safer in negativity, but I'm also starting to notice when I'm feeling hopeful or loving, and working to recognize where that comes from and how to bring those into other moments.
Thank you for sharing this work. I always look forward to your posts.
Thank you, Fleet Sparrow. (That sounds like the opening line of a poem!). What I have learned from my own experience and seen in others is that taking on the perspective of seeing your life as embodying a curriculum of middot is that there is at first an awakening: you have a clear understanding that what you just did or said was related to that curriculum. Later in the process, you have that awareness not looking back but in the very moment you are saying the words or doing the deed. Later still, you can see it coming while your thoughts are still in formation, and you guide your tongue or hand away from what you used to do, and regret.
As someone who has been a student of Mussar for about 10 years, I appreciate the framing of the majority of Jews as "Spiritual Orphans" and wonder what Jewish culture would look like if schools of Jewish learning took the directive "your primary marching orders as a human being are to be holy" as a primary objective, rather than the more common "The study of Torah is equal to the sum total of all other mitzvahs". For me, the quote from your teacher Rabbi Perr "Mussar helps give us more time by opening the space between the match and fuse” is my principal struggle. I find that at times, I have too little patience and indeed am sometimes too quick to anger, which I know impacts my relationships. I believe I am like the student of Rav Preida who was so slow that he could not grasp a lesson unless his teacher taught it to him 400 times.
Oh, I think you may be a bit quicker than Rav Preida’s student! What you are describing is the situation the Mussar teachers recognized as calling for a technique. You are not likely to succeed by just vowing or resolving to be more patient, less quick to let the match hit the fuse. And, not surprisingly, there are many techniques to delay responding. In one of my books I tell of a rabbi who had an “angry jacket.” He disciplined himself not to respond in anger until he had put on the special coat he had for that purpose. Of course, by the time he found and got the coat on, the most dangerous and explosive moment will have passed. Another demanded of himself that he have a glass of water before responding, to the same effect. This is an area where practical tools are needed.
Thank you for the vocabulary of a "technique". I still see the challenge as being how to change the behavior to call for the technique vs the habitual reaction.
I first heard this idea of life handing you your curriculum from Ram Dass, and it’s an idea that has stuck with me and helped me re-frame many an unwanted moment. One area I actively call upon it is with my spouse: When we encounter friction, instead of throwing up my hands and saying, “Shoujd we even be together?” I take comfort in the belief that we are in fact each other’s perfect partners, “perfect” not meaning without fault, but perfectly aligned to find each other’s blind and sore spots and help polish each other as we learn and grow together. The same helps with problems with family, or medical issues, or my angst over shifts in my country. I try to think, Ok, so this is my curriculum. It’s not what I would have chosen, but here we are, so how do I engage with this with integrity and heart? How do I get the most out of this difficult curriculum?
Right! And you know, I may have heard Ram Dass say something about a personal curriculum, too. I can’t clearly recall. What the Mussar teachers add to your clear and accurate comment is the specific focus on middot. It’s not just “how do I navigate this situation,” but rather, which particular inner traits of mine are showing up here to announce that I have room to grow in that area? Imagine two people in the same situation; for one it is a challenge because a particular middah that is called for in the situation is weak, while for the other, it’s just business as usual. Breaking the challenge down in terms of middot can make it clearer what specifically is showing up from your curriculum.
This is a fascinating thread. I am learning so much from each of your very articulate posts. Thank you for starting this thread Alan- it's is compelling to me.
I am a person with too much enthusiasm. Often, I say yes before I have really thought about what Is involved, ( ie- do I have to time to do it a timely manner,what other things have I sacrificed, have I pushed down my responsibilities to my family and most importantly to myself, to rush to do this. This has been on my curriculum for a while.
But now, after much effort, I am asking myself why I am rushing to do this thing?
I still trip- I probably always will.
Yes, you will still trip up because tripping is part of life. I got called to the Torah for an aliyah last week — what would that be, my thousandth time? — and recited the blessing before the reading and completely forgot to do the after-blessing until the others at the Torah reminded me. Trip. There are things like that, which may be of no significance. And other trips that point to patterns, like you describe about jumping in too quickly. The wonderful thing, though, is that if you work on your curriculum, you will find yourself tripping over new things, not the same old.